


Dear Listeners ;

by EyeMug



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Podcasts, Angst, Eventually JMTS? Perhaps., F/M, Fluff and Crack, Think MBMBAM but tma and it follows canon.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25506256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeMug/pseuds/EyeMug
Summary: Jon hums softly under his breath as he taps on his phone, the Spotify app opening up as he clicks on the new episode of a podcast he'd been listening to, recently. Not that he'd ever let his assistants know.Sasha's voice is bright and bubbly as she opens the new episode with -"Hellloooo, dear listeners! On this funky fresh episode, we will be talking shit about our job!""Is that even, like, smart, Sasha?""Probably not! I hate it here anyway!""Oh, kin."
Relationships: Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 15
Kudos: 80





	Dear Listeners ;

**Author's Note:**

> ...
> 
> I. Cannot defend myself. Crack au. Take it and go I am ashamed  
> I will say straight up though, this, chances are, will have much more genuine angst, or at least referenced angst, because it does follow canon. there will be character death. :( sorry gang. (I will only tag that once it actually appears in canon, though.)

_ [A soft click, a whirring noise, and then -] _

**Sasha:** [Giddy] Hello dear listeners!

**Tim:** Hewwo? Hewwoooo? Is anybody there?

**Martin:** [Deadpan] Tim? Timothy? Hey, hey Tim? Fuck no.

**Sasha:** [Gasping] _Marto said the fuck word!_

**Martin:** [Groaning] Bastards. Both of you. Okay. Hello everyone, and welcome to -

**Sasha & Tim:** The podcast of your dreams!

**Sasha:** Oh, holy shit?

**Tim:** How did we -

**Martin:** There’s an ache in my bones that will never recover because of you assholes.

**Martin:** Hello, welcome to Bastards United, where the motherfuckers live.

**Tim:** Welcome to Oh Shit! Is That A Cool Crab? The Podcast

**Sasha:** Welcome to This Podcast Was Sponsored By Monster Energy Drinks!

**Tim:** God, I wish.

**Sasha:** _Right?_

**Martin:** Welcome, dear listeners, to Dear Listeners, the podcast.

**Tim:** Shitty name.

**Sasha:** Yeah, Martin, I like mine better.

**Tim:** Poetry nerd.

**Martin:** Well, if you two could’ve actually  _ came up with names - _

**Sasha:** We’re dealing with the questions, here, Tintin.

_ [A long, achy pause.] _

**Martin:** _Fuck no-_

**Tim:** _TINTIN!_

**Martin:** [Groaning] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

**Sasha:** [Audible Evil Grin Tee Em] Yesssssssssssssssssssssss.

**Martin:** Move onto the Yahoo questions, bastard number one.

**Tim:** _We’re numbered now?!?!_

**Sasha:** I’m number one?

**Martin:** Yes.

**Sasha:** Martin, I’m honored,

**Martin:** Yahoo? Please?

**Martin:** [Small victorian boy voice] Papa? Spare one singular Yahoo? Half of one? Papa? Father?

**Tim:** [Mimicking Martin] Father? Father, why has mother fallen ill? Has the illness hit us, father?

**Martin:** Father? Papa? Where are we going, papa?

**Tim:** Are we going on a boat trip, father?

**Martin:** Oh, papa! This boat is much larger than I thought possible! We could fit me, you, mother and dearest aunt!

**Tim:** [Still doing the accent, hissing under his breath] Yes, father, us, mother, and auntie dearest. We will toss sissy to the wolves.

**Martin:** [Laughing] Yes. Yes. Sissy destroyed my mud cake. So I shall destroy her  _ life. _

**Martin:** [Pause, nervous laugh] Papa? Why are you stalking towards me, I am very close to the edge, papa. Father?

**Sasha:** [Gruff, deep victorian voice] How do I motivate myself to clean room, Bradley?

**Tim:** [Breaking character, cackling]  _ BRADLEY?! _

**Sasha:** [Also laughing] It was the first thing to come to mind!

**Martin:** Ah, yes, of course, the famous victorian male name,  _ Bradley. _

**Sasha:** Stop making fun of me! This is biphobia.

**Tim:** Sasha, darling, my star -

**Martin:** [Deadpan] Just rub it in that I’m single, why don’t you -

**Sasha:** Tim absolutely  _ not - _

**Tim:** \- All of us are bi.

**Sasha:** Okay? And? Biphobia.

**Martin:** … Sasha, thoughts on homophobia?

**Sasha:** Thoughts on the fucking Yahoo question?

**Tim:** You’re dodging the question…

**Tim:** Wait. You asked the Yahoo? The first Yahoo of our podcast? And we missed it?  _ I _ missed it?

**Sasha:** [Deadpan] Yes.

**Tim:** [Audibly distressed]  _ Oh. _

**Sasha:** I’ll repeat it, we can just edit out the victorian bit you big baby -

**Tim:** [Dramatic, fake, sob] No! No. It’s, it’s fine. The people deserve to know my failures.

**Martin:** As a boyfriend?

**Tim:** Shut up Martin I’m trying to be dramatic.

**Sasha & Martin:** We know.

**Martin:** Okay, hate to get us back on topic but, Yahoo?

**Sasha:** Oh shit yeah.

**Tim:** This podcast is a mess.

**Martin:** It’s  _ us. _ What do you expect, Jon?

**Sasha:** No boss referencing, bastard!

**Sasha:** Uhhhh, okay, here it is again, how do I motivate myself to clean my room?

**Tim:** Oooo, self-care!

**Martin:** Kill god, duh.

**Tim:** Mhm, mhm.

**Sasha:** I think simply burning everything down would also work.

**Tim:** [Snorting] Okay, Martin.

**Sasha:** We’re all pyromaniacs here. Martin isn’t special.

**Tim:** _ Sasha! _

**Martin:** Is that what you really think? After years of friendship?

**Sasha:** I have known you for exactly two months, Marto!

**Martin:** Fucker.

**Sasha:** You love me.

**Martin:** Do I, Sasha? Do I?

**Sasha:** If you wanna keep your job you sure fucking do.

**Martin:** Is that a  _ threat, _ James?

**Sasha:** I don’t know,  _ Blackwood, _ is it?

**Tim:** Sash -  _ Sasha _ do not lunge for Martin -  _ SASHA!- _

_ [A crash, followed by Tim yelping and Sasha and Martin yelling and laughing, there is one audible “MOTHERFUCK-” before the recording shuts off.] _

**Tim:** Heyo, dear listeners. Ha. This is prerecorded Timothy Stoker, uh, shit, fuck, what the hell do I  _ say _ -

**Sasha:** [Muffled] Read the script!

**Tim:** [Mimicking Sasha] ‘Read the script!’ I  _ am, _ bastard - uh,

**Tim:** Thank you to our sponsor - wait, we actually got a sponsor, what - … Blue A-

**Tim:** SASHA!

_ [Muffled snickering as a chair gets moved, and then there’s a thud, the snickering grows louder before -] _

**Tim:** _ IT ISN”T FUNNY - _

_ [The recording shuts off] _


End file.
